Diary of a Teenage Murderer Read online

up about the game (while pulling exceptionally smug faces), to the point where he says things like: “Why do you have to be such an asshole about this!”, “No. You did not beat me. I decided to stop because you have cheated.” Or my particular favourite, “We are never playing this game again until you can learn to play properly.” Ahhh, the sweet smell of victory.

  What the bloody hell is a ‘play date’? Been bugging me all day.

  Monday, January 2nd

  Needless to say that I didn’t make it into town as I had planned, or leave the house for that matter! Another day wasted, I really have to get out tomorrow. I am now down to £160 as I gave Oliver £5 to get the pair of us some chocolate and Coke for our Tekken marathon on the PlayStation. I have eaten so much chocolate over the last couple of weeks and I think it’s starting to show. Luckily I am pretty tall so I do get away with the old Christmas swell better than most. I am usually pretty fit (even if I do say so myself), but certainly not at the moment! I play football (occasionally) for the school and once in a blue moon for a local team. Karate training starts back up a week today, which should help me shed a few pounds. I must try and stretch a bit before then or it will really hurt, I don’t think I have actually been since before my birthday, so I am quite prepared to be on the receiving end of a kicking!

  I am starting to feel a bit flabby around the sides, I think I will get up at 8:00am tomorrow and go for a quick one mile run.

  Maybe even two.

  Tuesday, January 3rd

  I got up at 11:36 and quite obviously didn’t go for a run. To make matters worse, I then went downstairs and gorged myself on three bacon sandwiches, two cups of tea and a bar of chocolate that someone foolishly left in the fridge! My stomach is slightly bigger today and is starting to resemble a beach ball. Not a fully inflated one, but it is well on the way.

  I went back to bed with my second cup of tea and took my well-read copy of Red Dwarf with me, I must have reached double figures with how many times I have read it now, it is such a great book! We should be made to study this for English Literature not To Kill a Mocking Bird or Of Mice and Men’, they are good, but this is a classic! Rob Grant and Doug Naylor deserve the Nobel Prize for Literature in my opinion (although I’m not sure how two people writing a book actually works).

  I am not a big reader, but when I do read I tend to stick to funny books. Truth be told I get tired very quickly when I read and fall asleep after just a few pages. Mum suggested that I should have my eyes tested, but I consider this skill to be a bit of a gift.

  I suppose I would consider myself a bit of a Red Dwarf fan, it’s a bit old now, but most things I like are. I listen to 80’s music, watch 80’s films and really do feel that I was born in the wrong decade. People in my school tend to think I am a little odd and ‘uncool’, but I like what I like, so bollocks to them.

  Mum and Dad were back in work today so I was left with Oliver and thought it best to leave him watching Nickelodeon all day (it’s not as if they were bloody paying me). I got up again at around one o’clock and stumbled downstairs to join him; I obviously took my duvet with me and fell asleep on the sofa for an hour or so. I am sleeping a lot at the moment; I definitely think that the less you do the more sleep you need. I have struck a deal with Oliver, he makes me a cup of tea and brings me two biscuits and I give him £1, a great little system.

  When Dad got home he said, “Who the hell has finished all the bacon?” Obviously aimed straight at me. I felt no guilt, how could I? The three bacon sandwiches I made were delicious.

  When my mum got home, she went straight to the kitchen and said, “Which greedy pig has eaten my chocolate?”

  “Oliver!” I shouted, and handed him another pound. Another great system! Had I admitted to eating it I would not have heard the end of it for days. But Oliver would have been instantly forgiven. I think it is simply because they love him more than me.

  I have decided to do some sit-ups first thing in the morning, perhaps getting up at 8:30am is going to be a little more realistic.

  Wednesday, January 4th

  I opened my eyes at 9:54am, and laughed at the idea of getting up and doing some sit-ups and went straight back to sleep.

  Today, I did manage to leave the house!! I wandered into town at around 3pm, not a bad effort really considering just how lazy I have been feeling recently. I also remembered to feed my goldfish, something I am sure I haven’t done since Christmas Day; people like me shouldn’t be entrusted with the lives of other things. It was freezing out; it probably didn’t help that I chose to wear just a T-shirt with a coat over the top. I was so cold that I nearly decided to spend some of my Christmas money on a taxi home from town.

  I now have £53 left. I got myself a good deal on the PS Vita, I managed to haggle the console and three games for £100 and have been playing it since I got back. The Call of Duty game is a winner, a one-man-army stomping my way through tons of baddies, blowing shit up and generally kicking ass, life doesn’t get any better than that!

  Dad cooked curry today. As I said, my dad is the polar opposite to my mum in the kitchen and his curries in particular are very good. My mum always complains that they are “too spicy”, but I think she is just pissed off because her cooking can only be defined as being “dog shit” in comparison.

  Oliver spent the whole day peering over my shoulder watching me play my game, occasionally asking, “Can I have a go now please, Matt?” He never did get to have a go, which I do now, while writing this, feel a little guilty about. I may let him have five minutes on it tomorrow (obviously in exchange for a couple of rounds of free tea and biscuits).

  I managed 10 sit-ups before I hopped into bed to write this. I couldn’t manage any more than that due to cramp. God I’m unfit!

  This must change; I am in danger of dying young. If things don’t change it is only a matter of time before small objects start orbiting me.

  Thursday, January 5th

  My best friend (only proper friend really) Martin Drew, called me this morning to ask if I fancied popping over his house. I explained that I was home with Oliver and that he would have to come here. He came round and brought his PS Vita with him to link up to mine, I think my PS Vita is faulty as he seems to beat me on everything, his must be run faster.

  Martin is a great lad. He always works hard in school, gets good grades, is never in trouble and is as good a friend as you could ask for. He is a parents’ wet dream. My parents would trade me for him in a heartbeat! I have known him since we started high school; we started in the same form together and sat next to each other on the first day and have been friends ever since. He only lives around the corner from me, but we went to different primary schools, I saw him around but had never had reason to talk to him until secondary school. Martin lives with his mum who is a nurse in Worthing hospital; his dad is a teacher but lives in Brighton now after they divorced last year. Don’t quote me, but rumour has it that Martin’s dad was having an affair with another teacher in his department (and he is a science teacher, so she must be weird looking! The ones in my school certainly are). Martin seemed to cope pretty well with the whole split situation, he spends most weekends with his dad at his flat in Brighton, they go fishing, go to the movies and bowling – all the kinds of things my father never does with me!

  We didn’t play the PS Vita for long, I lied that my thumb was aching to stop the humiliation of being constantly beaten.

  We spent the rest of the day watching episodes of Red Dwarf and I let Oliver play my PS Vita to make up for being such a sod to him yesterday. Impressively, I managed to get him to make Martin and me eight full rounds of tea and biscuits.

  Mum got home at about 6:00pm and moaned at me for being bone idle and not doing anything around the house. Martin felt uncomfortable with the constant moaning and made his excuses and left. I decided to hoover so I wouldn’t have to listen to Mum and get her off my back at the same time.

  Dad got back just as I had finished hoovering and Mum began moaning to hi
m about me, so naturally he started moaning at me too, nice. Oliver never gets moaned at.

  To top off a crappy day, Mum cooked. Findus crispy pancakes (though not so crispy – impressive) with peas and mash. Mash was good to be fair, but I have a dark feeling that I will have to wait until next New Year’s to ‘pass’ the indigestible peas I stupidly ate.

  I spent the evening practising on my PS Vita to ensure that next time Martin and I lock cables I am not so dreadful!

  11 press-ups this evening. I had to stop at 11 as it really felt like I was going to suffer an anal prolapse.

  Friday, January 6th

  Another day out, I have no idea where all this energy has arrived from. I went swimming at the local leisure centre with Martin and felt very fat in my budgie smugglers (note to self: buy some swimming trunks that do not show the entire world the precise contours of my nut sack and/or my ass crack – it could not have been a nice sight for the unsuspecting swimmers of Worthing).

  As far as my New Year’s resolutions go I think I’m doing fairly well. I have written in my diary every day and started to make a small effort with respects to exercising. I am going to have to step it up a little though and do a little more, plus eat less, too. We are going on a family holiday to Lanzarote this summer